'We have made the same number of Olympics and I wasn't even trying'— Kyle Merber (@TheRealMerb) September 25, 2016
-Friend who quit track in 10th grade
-What do we want?— ~ (@daniel_barker) January 30, 2017
-No more Nazis!
-When do we want it?
-Honestly like 70 years ago I mean it was a whole thing.
Because there are four major religions pic.twitter.com/DS9xOPf7pP— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) June 17, 2017
genie: please no— Tami Cru (@TamiCru) August 29, 2017
millipede: more legs
My wife is perfect because she hasn't left me no matter how many construction projects in Greece I point at and say: "Ohh look! Ruins!"— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 29, 2017
Better headline: Will People Ever Stop Asking Women Stupid Fucking Questions? pic.twitter.com/xmPnq5PDBz— (((OhNoSheTwitnt))) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 20, 2017
Jogging pic.twitter.com/bHXQMJvCQL— jake likes onions (@jakelikesonions) October 18, 2017
I'm "this restaurant is too loud" years old.— Jewel Staite (@JewelStaite) October 21, 2017
I've just watched the trailer for the new Dickens movie. I'm not usually bothered by inaccuracies in historical dramas, but I'd like to politely request that film makers STOP PUTTING MASSIVE HEADLINES ON VICTORIAN NEWSPAPERS. pic.twitter.com/GdOFi9u6G6— Dr Bob Nicholson (@DigiVictorian) November 25, 2017
sometimes you look at a duck and you just know he's thinking "might do a quack in a minute"— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) July 19, 2017
back in NYC and as i was getting into my Uber some dude yelled “do you know where you’re going, bitch?” and i yelled “all the way to the top, asshole” and now i feel invincible and completely out of character happy new year to that guy !!!!!!!!— maria sherman (@mariasherm) December 30, 2017
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”— Kristin (@FeralCrone) December 31, 2017
This is the type of person who inspires me and makes me want to keep fighting for a better world pic.twitter.com/iZc63d8j0b— Bryan (@MurderBryan) January 3, 2018
Wanted: Teacher— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) February 21, 2018
Job Description: Low pay, no respect from society, might have to kill someone, probably a student, will need to know which one to kill while panicking, starts immediately, art supplies not provided.
If you're feeling #WinterOlympics withdrawal this morning, let us brighten your spirits with the best reactions by athletes realizing they've medaled.— NBC Olympics (@NBCOlympics) February 26, 2018
we're not crying, you're crying 😭 pic.twitter.com/mvgEwLNeMj